been feeling down and out lately. or rather, finding myself devoid of all emotions would be more apt a description.

had my piano exam last thursday. totally screwed it up. think it's the worst piano exam i've had in my life! and it had to be my grade 8 exam. sigh... having a recital practice this afternoon. supposed to play my 3 exam pieces, but every time i think about it, my chest just tightens as i try to shove the memory of the exam into the darkest corner of my mind. but everytime i look at the piano, everything rushes back up to the surface again.

attended a charity concert at the victoria concert hall last night. felt honoured to be amongst distinguished guests ie, His excellency, the ambassador for Japan, Dr Keith Goh and others from the noble medical profession. the programme was alluring. really looked forward to an evening of melodious masterpieces performed by both local and foreign talents. had the honour of listening to our local child prodigists keagan ng and see ian ike play on the piano and violin respectively. was extremely captivating. the item that really stole the show, however, was the duet by 2 Japanese pianists. as i closed my eyes and let the crisp yet flowing melodies of both parts overright my senses, i could not help but imagine myself on the piano stool, just letting my fingers and my emotions take over the keys. i imagined my fingers dancing weightlessly over each note, my body pulsating to the rhythm of the piece. i reminisced my performance in previous concerts. the anticipation, the nervousness, the relief. the applause. then all of a sudden, the dream just came crashing down, shattering upon the hardness of reality. all my imaginations, my mindless imaginations, could only remain as dreams cos of one solitary exam. and as i sink into my seat, my eyes fixed staringly at the pianists on stage, i could only berate myself for my complacency and wild fancies.

the music became just lines on the scores, merely notes to be hit at the appropriate time.

one more month of anxious anticipation before the time of judgement.

the music of the night from the musical the phantom of the opera

night time sharpens heightens each sensation
darkness wakes and stirs imagination
silently the senses abandon their defences
helpless to resist the notes i write
for i compose the music of the night

slowly gently night unfurls its splendour
grasp it sense it tremulous and tender
hearing is believing music is deceiving
hard as lightning soft as candlelight
dare you trust the music of the night

close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
and the truth isn't what you want to see
in the dark it is easy to pretend
that the truth is waht it ought to be

softly deftly music shall caress you
hear it feel it secretly possess you
open up your mind let your fantasies unwind
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight
the darkness of the music of the night

close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world
leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
close your eyes let the music set you free
only then can you belong to me

floating falling sweet intoxication
touch me trust me savour each sensation
let the dream begin let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that i write
the power of the music of the night

you alone can make my song take flight
help me make the music of the night...

stars in your multitudes
scarce to be counted
filling the darkness with order and light
you are the sentinels
silent and sure
keeping watch in the night

you know your place in the skies
you hold your course and your aim
and each in your season returns and returns
and is always the same
and if you fall as lucifer fell
you fall in flame

and so it has been
and so it is written
on the doorways to paradise
that those who falter
and those who fall
must pay the price

scarce to be counted
changing the chaos
to order and light
you are the sentinels
silent and sure
keeping watch in the night

keeping watch in the night...

You are more valuable than many sparrows; and not one sparrow dies unnoticed in my Father's world. Even the hairs on your head are numbered. That's how precious you are to Him.

dear friend,

i often think about you. how you are, where you are, what you are doing... i thought about you again today, as i was walking home. seems that that's the only time i have to let my mind wonder, detach myself from school and just wander. i wondered how you're doing in school. i wondered where you were right then. i wonder what you were doing. i wondered if you were thinking about me too. i wonder why we seldom talk anymore. i wonder when i can see you again.

i'm sorry if i've been the one trying to shut you out of my life. belief me, it wasn't intentional. i couldn't meet you that day, not because i didn't want to, i did. i was just tired. it was late. i just wanted to go home. i was being selfish, insensitive. many months have passed by since. you invited me for a function at your church. i said i'd try to go. but i didn't. we never set another date. were you afraid i was going to break if off again? time passed and i forgot. work piled up and i forgot. i'm sorry, dear friend, that i failed to realise that it takes 2 hands to clap, that i have been the one too busy to make time for friends. i'm so sorry if i've hurt you.

perhaps you're busy with your own stuff too. i doubt you will ever read this entry and know that the one i'm referring to is you. but i'd just like to say a big thank you for our reunion that fateful night more than 2 years back. i never told you, but the time we spent marked a milestone in my life as a christian and for that i am eternally grateful.

you will always hold a special place in my heart. and i pray that we will see each other again soon.

thinking of you till then and beyond.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness - only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate - only love can do that.

may your life be filled with love
may your heart be filled with harmony
may your days be filled with joy
go forth with a song

may your stars forever shine
may the wind be alwas at your back
may your skies be clear and bright
go forth with a song

may peace and joy surround you
and may sunshine light your way
may music sound around you
may laughter fill your day

may your life be filled with love
may your heart be filled with harmony
may your days be filled with joy
go forth with a song

may your life be filled with love
go forth with a song

was in the library watching the syf audition video today when a pleasant little thought just popped up in my head and i just coundn't stop myself from grinning. 30 girls from diverse backgrounds all clad in uniform khaki blouses and skirts, all so different yet the same. each group clammouring to watch their own secondary school's dance performance, each group equally engrossed in the other school's item. item over, we smile and laugh and tease each other. 30 girls from various schools coming together to form the hwa chong chinese dance society, bound by an unspoken yet conspicuously evident common passion. words can't describe the pride i feel being part of this wonderful team.

dance is the hidden language of the soul; it is the poetry of the foot; the communication between body and soul, to express what is too deep to find for words.

hwa chong chinese dance... dance on....

when the world is looming dark
and things seem not so clear
when shadows seem to hover around
Lord, may i persevere

when it seems everything's been tried
and there's no way to go
just let me keep remembering
sometimes the journey's slow

i may just need to stop and rest
along the path i trod
a time to try to understand
and have my talk with God

as i gain new strength to carry on
without a doubt or fear
somehow i know things will be right
and so i persevere.

the sn rhythmic gymnastic team is, for the second consecutive year, is champion and 1st runner up for c division and b division respectively.

am i supposed to be happy? i dunno. i feel sedated. numbed. perhaps it just hasn't sunk in yet. perhaps its cos this year i'm at the arena as a spectator instead of sweating my skin out in a sexy glittering leotard. perhaps i'm just utterly disgusted with the gross injustice of the judging panal, the very basis of the organising committee. but then again, this happens year in year out. life never is fair, is it? perhaps.

i sound like a sore loser and perhaps i am. don't take it against me though. i have nothing against the schools that bettered sn. i just feel that there is much room for improvement in the judging sector. it positively stinks!

my thoughts are getting erratic. a riot of emotions is bursting forth from my gut. my mind has been nullified. i only have this left to say, congratulations to all gymnasts. you are all winners in your own light. the battle is done. it is time to count your losses and prepare for the next competition.

ST NICKS ROX!!! haha... so proud of being part of the sn family. double champs for track and field, champs for swimming, champs for gym... haha. okie... actually, i'm quite sore about the fact that i could not be part of the excitement at kallang yesterday. had to go for cca. can't pon even if i wanted to. oh well. hiez. really wish i could have been there though. seems likes the whole world was at kallang yesterday, except lil ol me. sigh.

something really really freaky happened today. was minding my own business when all of a sudden, this thought just flashed in my head. it was more like a certain scenario being played in my mind. then lo and behold, what i saw in my head actually happened right in front of my very own eyes less than 15 minutes later! was still contemplating whether i should warn the people involved about this premonition, but decided against. they'd probably think i was just being paranoid.

i'm getting freaked out with me!!

received this email quite some time back...

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE !!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?



beats me.

met cel and aimei for full throttle today. we rock man!! haha. the show wasn't as good as its predessesor though. storyline needed alot more body. the stunts were no doubt super unrealistic and blatantly plagarised from the matrix, but they were damn cool nonetheless... :)

think i'm getting addicted to coffee... had an ice blended mocha from coffee bean today and have been craving for more ever since. haha. hmm... been eating too much junk food today, yesterday and the past 2 weeks... feel so sinful. lol.

you know... the one thing i love about going to orchard is the people i get to bump into. its just really nice to know how people you haven't seen in ages are doing. its even more heartening to know that they still remember you. like today, i bumped into mrs elaine toh (aka ms elaine chong) and her son and she actually recognised me!! haha. stunned. somehow she didn't look as tall as i remembered (which means i have grown quite a bit even tho the measuring tape seems to disagrees with my hyposthesis). somehow the lyrics of a particular song by the beegees keeps resounding in my head, "when i was small and christmas trees were tall... now we are tall and christmas trees are small..." haha... so many things have changed. hiez. all of a sudden i have this urge to pay a visit to my alma mata. haha. maybe i'll email one of my teachers tonight.

when i was small
and christmas trees were tall
we used to love while others used to play
don't ask me why the time has passed us by
someone else moved in from far away

now we are tall
and christmas trees are small
and you don't ask the time of day
but you and i
our love will never die
guess who'll cry come first of may

the apple tree that grew for you and me
i watched the apples falling one by one
and i recall the moment of them all
the day i kissed your cheek and you were gone

life is so transient. so fleeting. like fine grains of sand in the palm of your hand, the tighter you try to grasp it, the more it slips through your fingers. it comes and goes like the wind and nobody, no one at all, can control it. but man wants to control. control over things that are well beyond our boudaries. that's just how we are. but at the end of the day, does any of it matter?

Psychologist B.R. Forer found that people tend to accept vague and general personality descriptions as uniquely applicable to themselves without realizing that the same description could be applied to just about anyone. Consider the following as if it were given to you as an evaluation of your personality.

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

Forer gave a personality test to his students, ignored their answers, and gave each student the above evaluation. He asked them to evaluate the evaluation from 0 to 5, with "5" meaning the recipient felt the evaluation was an "excellent" assessment and "4" meaning the assessment was "good." The class average evaluation was 4.26. That was in 1948. The test has been repeated hundreds of time with psychology students and the average is still around 4.2.

The most common explanations given to account for the Forer effect are in terms of hope, wishful thinking, vanity and the tendency to try to make sense out of experience, though Forer's own explanation was in terms of human gullibility. People tend to accept claims about themselves in proportion to their desire that the claims be true rather than in proportion to the empirical accuracy of the claims as measured by some non-subjective standard. We tend to accept questionable, even false statements about ourselves, if we deem them positive or flattering enough. We will often give very liberal interpretations to vague or inconsistent claims about ourselves in order to make sense out of the claims. Subjects who seek counseling from psychics, mediums, fortune tellers, mind readers, graphologists, etc., will often ignore false or questionable claims and, in many cases, by their own words or actions, will provide most of the information they erroneously attribute to a pseudoscientific counselor. Many such subjects often feel their counselors have provided them with profound and personal information. Such subjective validation, however, is of little scientific value.

source: http://skepdic.com

xiaoxuan Magic Number 22 Job Criminal Personality Unfulfilled Dreamer Temperament An Oft-Exploding Volcano Sexual Whatever, Whenever, Whoever Likely To Win A Free Coke Me - In A Word Belligerent Colour Brought to you by MemeJack

yeah rite.

You're a Diamond. You seem like a cold and an
unreachable person outside, yet you are
beautiful inside and outside. You may be
stubborn at times. You act with grace and
elegance and you are a precious asset to all
your friends.


What Jewel Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You excel at Care of Magical Creatures. You must
have a thing for those cute furry things...or
big scaley things...or scary firebreathing many
teethed things...


Which Class at Hogwarts Would You Excel at?
brought to you by Quizilla

i think my brain just hanged or something. too many programmes are running at the same time. feels as if the whole system's gone kaput. i'm just staring at the physics equations but i can't get my mind to work on deciphering it. hiez. went over to cel's house this afternoon to study. we managed to get quite abit done amidst a lot of chatting and binging. well, they say 2 head are better than 1. cel's former maid baked her an egg custard cake for her birthday. it was absolutely delicious man! i've been scouting around for the recipe for a really long time now. the last time i ate it was probably slightly less than 10 years ago. haha. really happy. think all the sugar in my system is making me high. i'm feeling rather dreamy now. my mind's awake and my eyes are seeing, but somehow everything seems very detached. haha. oh well.

anyway, happy birthday cel! enjoy your pressies!! :) i love you!

i'm at the club now. just had dinner. all the blood's in my stomach so whatever i tried to study a few minutes ago is everywhere but in my brain. oh well. seems like the club is a really popular place for sn girls. met eileen poon and venetia this afternoon. hui zhen, hui jing, hui fen and weifang are at the table behind me right now. haha. had a nice chat with miss poon and her friend. we were comparing the different jcs, namely vj, rj and hc. talk about diversity. they were telling me all about med school, and the different courses you can take there. sounds very interesting. :) of course, when 2 or more sn girls meet, the subject always turns towards sn, sn, sn and xiaozhang. :) had a really pleasant trip down memory lane. felt really nostalgic and sad at the same time. sigh.

oh well. time to retreat to my dingy corner and spend some quality time with my notes.

in Chrsit alone
i place my trust
and find my glory in the power of the cross
in every victory let it be said of me
my source of strenght
my source of hope
is Christ alone