been feeling down and out lately. or rather, finding myself devoid of all emotions would be more apt a description.

had my piano exam last thursday. totally screwed it up. think it's the worst piano exam i've had in my life! and it had to be my grade 8 exam. sigh... having a recital practice this afternoon. supposed to play my 3 exam pieces, but every time i think about it, my chest just tightens as i try to shove the memory of the exam into the darkest corner of my mind. but everytime i look at the piano, everything rushes back up to the surface again.

attended a charity concert at the victoria concert hall last night. felt honoured to be amongst distinguished guests ie, His excellency, the ambassador for Japan, Dr Keith Goh and others from the noble medical profession. the programme was alluring. really looked forward to an evening of melodious masterpieces performed by both local and foreign talents. had the honour of listening to our local child prodigists keagan ng and see ian ike play on the piano and violin respectively. was extremely captivating. the item that really stole the show, however, was the duet by 2 Japanese pianists. as i closed my eyes and let the crisp yet flowing melodies of both parts overright my senses, i could not help but imagine myself on the piano stool, just letting my fingers and my emotions take over the keys. i imagined my fingers dancing weightlessly over each note, my body pulsating to the rhythm of the piece. i reminisced my performance in previous concerts. the anticipation, the nervousness, the relief. the applause. then all of a sudden, the dream just came crashing down, shattering upon the hardness of reality. all my imaginations, my mindless imaginations, could only remain as dreams cos of one solitary exam. and as i sink into my seat, my eyes fixed staringly at the pianists on stage, i could only berate myself for my complacency and wild fancies.

the music became just lines on the scores, merely notes to be hit at the appropriate time.

one more month of anxious anticipation before the time of judgement.

the music of the night from the musical the phantom of the opera

night time sharpens heightens each sensation
darkness wakes and stirs imagination
silently the senses abandon their defences
helpless to resist the notes i write
for i compose the music of the night

slowly gently night unfurls its splendour
grasp it sense it tremulous and tender
hearing is believing music is deceiving
hard as lightning soft as candlelight
dare you trust the music of the night

close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
and the truth isn't what you want to see
in the dark it is easy to pretend
that the truth is waht it ought to be

softly deftly music shall caress you
hear it feel it secretly possess you
open up your mind let your fantasies unwind
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight
the darkness of the music of the night

close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world
leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
close your eyes let the music set you free
only then can you belong to me

floating falling sweet intoxication
touch me trust me savour each sensation
let the dream begin let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that i write
the power of the music of the night

you alone can make my song take flight
help me make the music of the night...

stars in your multitudes
scarce to be counted
filling the darkness with order and light
you are the sentinels
silent and sure
keeping watch in the night

you know your place in the skies
you hold your course and your aim
and each in your season returns and returns
and is always the same
and if you fall as lucifer fell
you fall in flame

and so it has been
and so it is written
on the doorways to paradise
that those who falter
and those who fall
must pay the price

scarce to be counted
changing the chaos
to order and light
you are the sentinels
silent and sure
keeping watch in the night

keeping watch in the night...

You are more valuable than many sparrows; and not one sparrow dies unnoticed in my Father's world. Even the hairs on your head are numbered. That's how precious you are to Him.

dear friend,

i often think about you. how you are, where you are, what you are doing... i thought about you again today, as i was walking home. seems that that's the only time i have to let my mind wonder, detach myself from school and just wander. i wondered how you're doing in school. i wondered where you were right then. i wonder what you were doing. i wondered if you were thinking about me too. i wonder why we seldom talk anymore. i wonder when i can see you again.

i'm sorry if i've been the one trying to shut you out of my life. belief me, it wasn't intentional. i couldn't meet you that day, not because i didn't want to, i did. i was just tired. it was late. i just wanted to go home. i was being selfish, insensitive. many months have passed by since. you invited me for a function at your church. i said i'd try to go. but i didn't. we never set another date. were you afraid i was going to break if off again? time passed and i forgot. work piled up and i forgot. i'm sorry, dear friend, that i failed to realise that it takes 2 hands to clap, that i have been the one too busy to make time for friends. i'm so sorry if i've hurt you.

perhaps you're busy with your own stuff too. i doubt you will ever read this entry and know that the one i'm referring to is you. but i'd just like to say a big thank you for our reunion that fateful night more than 2 years back. i never told you, but the time we spent marked a milestone in my life as a christian and for that i am eternally grateful.

you will always hold a special place in my heart. and i pray that we will see each other again soon.

thinking of you till then and beyond.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness - only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate - only love can do that.