walking this seemingly endless road with Jesus by my side

is it just me or is the picture of the little girl with her star which use to inhabit this blog gone for good? hmm... gonna miss the picture anyhow. its definitely time to change my layout. BUT i'm gonna be disciplined and not do that till the exam are over, nope, not just block tests, but the a's...which means end november. its a long time but it CAN be done, and i WILL do it. not blog anymore, i mean, till the exams are over. gonna go back to days of yore, recreating my world in a personal diary. yep. think i've held this "public" life quite nicely. just feel kinda guilty for neglecting my diary for 2 whole months!! yep. so don't miss me ya? haha. just j/k. anyway, before i leave, just want to share this really nice song i've recently gotten high on cos the electric's been fixed... and i can't stop playing this song on it. anyway, till later, toodle-doo! enjoy. :)

Better than life
Hillsongs Australia

Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friend's voices
Better than the biggest dreams of my heart
And that's just the start

Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love anyone could give
Your love is

You hold me now in Your arms
And never let me go

You oh Lord make the sun shine
And the moon light in the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because

I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You
I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You

" 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31 (NIV)

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for making everything possible in my life.

i hafta admit that this isn't one of my best birthdays with all the stuff that i'm currently faced with, some problems and some unresolved issues. but nonetheless, it was a meaningful birthday. many thanks to yang, qy, bong, weixiang, ronnie, jnrs and my dear xiz for the birthday cake and the 3 birthday song from the kids at tp care corner. they are terrible adorable no matter how naughty they are. thanks loads. thanks to my family, immediate and extended. it wasn't a very pleasant situation that brought all of us together yesterday, but i was truly touched by the warmth of all of us coming together in the face of such a crisis. i've always enjoyed the company of my relatives and cousins. right now, i'm just extremely appreciative of having such a closely knit, caring and loving extended family. thanks also to my ever dearest kachngs, mike and suelee. love you and miss you both so much. and of course, my beautiful girlfriends aimei and celene. thank you so much for the pretty balloon and the lovely time we spent together. and last but not least, the icing on the cake, i spent the last few hours of my birthday with a really hot date. haha. yep. Someone i love with my whole heart, my whole soul and my whole mind. Someone i know will always love me no matter where i am and what i do. Someone who knows my greatest joys and my deepest fears, my darkest regret and my most painful longings. Someone who's even closer than a call away. had a wonderful time at IPC renewing my love for Him. and even though i went to Him tonight tired and jaded, He lifted me up and made me feel as light as a feather, as happy as a lark and i could just continue singing and dancing all night of His great love forever and ever. i've been wishing for something these past few months, years even, and again this birthday, i thought how perfect it'd be if that wish came true on this very day. but nevermind that that didn't come true. i couldn't have asked for a more meaningful way to spend my birthday than with the people and Person i love in my life.
happy 18th to me. :)

Life's short, keep it simple

by Sumiko Tan

The physical, emotional and even electronic baggage that clutters up one's life can overwhelm. It's time to simplify

SOMETHING had been troubling me of late but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

When I left the office every night, a niggling sense of a mission unaccomplished would dog me.

But I couldn't explain this disquiet.

Then it struck me.

I've not been deleting my e-mail for ages.

I work on two computer software systems in the office.

One's the Coyote, which is created for newspaper work, and which The Straits Times newsroom uses. It comes with a message function.

The other's Lotus Notes, for e-mail beyond the newsroom.

For weeks, I've been reminding myself to kill my old messages.

Unfortunately, those in the Coyote have to be expunged one at a time. Each deletion takes between one and three seconds.

I've been remiss in my housekeeping for various reasons - lack of time, other more pressing matters to attend to, laziness. There are also messages I want to re-read.

By the time I realised what was troubling me, I had accumulated 1,023 messages dating back to Feb 11.

The problem is made worse by how I like to copy every message I send out.

It would take about 2,046 seconds in all to clean up my Coyote, or 34 minutes. This does not include any time I may spend on re-reading some messages.

Things are no better on Lotus Notes.

I'm allowed 100Mb in my Inbox. My mail hovers perilously around 75Mb and 90Mb, with the oldest file dating back to April 2002, and the biggest 1.8Mb large.

The electronic clutter gnaws at me like - to misquote T.S. Eliot - a tedious argument of insidious intent.

It bothers me that I have unfinished business. I feel untidy and weighed down.

How I long to start each day, if not on a completely fresh slate, then at least with just one or two messages twinkling in my Coyote. How much lighter I'll feel if I can slash my Lotus mail down to a disciplined 10MB.

But I feel too burdened to clean up my act.

Yet the more I delay, the more the detritus accumulates, and haunts me.

THE electronic baggage is just one of the many types of excess baggage I lug around in my life.

Take clothes.

I've a pathological inability to throw away my old threads, even though they are no longer in fashion, don't qualify as retro wear, don't fit me anymore and are plain ugly.

Part of it has to do with sentimentality - I was once happy to wear them, so what's wrong with keeping them as a reminder of the past?

Another part has to do with my not wanting to discard something which I'd spent my hard-earned money on.

Mostly, though, it's just a stubborn inability to let go.

It's the same with books. I never ever want to re-read John Webster's The Duchess Of Malfi, which I suffered through in university, but throw it away? No way.

I have cards, letters and photographs dating back to primary school. National Cadet Corps badges. A plastic container with the chipped fragments of my wisdom teeth. A hardened wad of plaster that was used to bandage a cut on a beloved dog's paw. Sea shells and other mementoes.

In my emotional life, too, I cling on to junk.

I have a great store of memories, a massive cabinet in my head with numerous files covering everything from past hurts to little blips of happiness.

Once in a while, I take them out to luxuriate in the memory, or to fume.

In my head, I revisit old relationships - what was and what could have been - including those that are best left buried.

I re-play conversations. I play out future dialogues. Even to this day, 20 years after the event, I fantasise about meeting that certain someone who jilted me. It will be in a restaurant, I will walk up coolly to him and splash red wine on his white shirt.

Scary.

And enough is enough.

It's all getting too much.

Just like my e-junk, it's time to Delete and Escape.

THERE'S a difference between a healthy remembrance of things past and an unhealthy clinging onto what has been.

The former can provide comfort as you trudge through your present day-to-day life, with its share of nuisances and nastiness.

The latter is, simply, a waste of time.

I suppose people carry excess baggage because they fear the unknown. Harping back to the past, even if it wasn't so great, is more comforting than facing a blank, uncharted future.

But isn't it better to embrace life blithely and unburdened? To plunge into the unknown without constant timorous backward glances?

I'm beginning to realise the wisdom of cliches such as to live and let live, to forgive and forget, and the benefits of travelling light and living simply.

Many years ago, when I was a rookie reporter, I worked under an editor who was a true inspiration.

Years later, there was a newspaper article extolling his achievements.

I sent him a (Coyote) message telling him how glad I was to have worked under him, and reminisced about those early days.

His reply was, 'Thanks, but I don't believe in living in the past.'

I didn't understand then what he meant, and his terse remark actually caused me chagrin.

But I think I understand now what he meant.

As someone once said, everything flows, nothing stays still.

Why live in the yesterday - even the glory of yesterday - when there's today and tomorrow to take care of? Life's too short.

It's easier said than done, but I think it's worth a try.

But first things first.

I'll start by clearing my e-mail.

My Coyote messages, by the way, have since crept up to 1,059.

http://straitstimes.asia1.com.sg/columnist/0,1886,262-237541-,00.html?

i hate mosquitoes. pesky blood-sucking, swell-inducing, dengue-causing mosquitoes! pass few nights have been a real nightmare. can't sleep properly cos i keep itching all over. so what do i do? i go to another room that is air-conditioned to sleep in. no more mosquitoes. nope. nothing but a stuffy nose and a drowsy feeling for the rest of the day thanks to my so called "chronic nose allergy", which i paid a freakin $120 to get told, that can be suppressed by steroids (absolutely not!) or wait till i outgrow it. blasted. so i woke up 2 nights ago at 4.13am in the morning, legs and arms sore from all the bites, to battle the mosquitoes once and for all. waited patiently for them blood-thirsty mosquitoes to meet their final doom till about 4.45am and managed to swat 2 dead. 2 adomen bloodily filled mosquitoes dead. finally. managed to sleep peacefully for what was left of the night. bleah. and then last night... the ghost of mosquitoes' past came back to haunt me! what have i done to deserve this!? even at the bbq i got bitten left right centre while the others were left untouched. tmd. hiez.

spent the day at tp care corner with a bunch of primary school kids today. totally drained. maybe its the sleepless nights. the kids weren't all that difficult to control except one or two. felt really bad cos i realised how i was quite a handful for my teachers way back in primary school. heh. makes me appreciate my teachers alot. after this really unforgettable incident in primary 3 (an alliance with maple tan and angela taylor) i kinda woke up and actually began to respect teachers and the school rules alot more. felt really sorry for teachers that hafta put up with us little terrors. but the fact that they haven't quit their jobs ten years on, speak volumes of their dedication and passion for the profession. really admire them for that. hope this friday's batch will be manageable. :)

blasted. being bitten by mosquitoes again. if they like blood so much, they can jolly well become tampons in their next puny lives for all i care. cut me some slack man!

the funny thing about friendship is you never know how long it'll last. and when i mean last, i mean still think about that person and talk to that person every now and then and actually have stuff to say to that person and not feel awkward in each other's presence. the funny thing about 2 pple is how near they are and yet how far and vice versa. last friday, fate played a really neat trick on me. was in toa payoh then, slightly less than 100m from my beloved primary school which currently, much to my remorse, is undergoing major renovations. haven't been there in ages. so much has changed... the creepy underpass the winding block of hdb with the indoor playground bearing an underwater motive... so much has changed what with the air-con interchange and the works... feels familiar yet strange at the same time. anyway, that's besides the point. on my way home that day, my neighbour boarded the bus i was on some 2 stops from the interchange. lets just call her Y. i haven't seen her in ages although we live at such close proximity. wait.. correction. i have seen her recently.. only a few days ago. i was in my car porch looking for one of my sandals and she walked out of her house without so much as a glance in my direction. i'll just give her the benefit of the doubt. i try to be understanding. so, anyway, she got up the bus, surveyed the rows of seats and decided she would stand. in doing so, she saw me. i know she did. i tried to smile and acknowledge her, but she just looked away. oh well... i tried. well, two can play that game. so i just remained indifferent to what had happened but i had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when i thought of how i was going to avoid any uncomfortable situations when the both of us got of the bus and walked home. then lo and behold, hansel came up the bus! this the first time i've ever bumped into anyone from their family on the bus and i could have hugged him when i saw him! he's a life saver man! perfect timing! yeh... so problem solved... i just talked to him throughout the whole journey and walked back home together with him. (Y keeping a really far distance behind us. deliberately? i dunno) and get this... he didn't even know he was sitting behind Y! when i told him, he was like, huh? that was Y? i don't even know what she looks like now... haha... hiez... so much for far away relatives being uncomparable to close neighbours. mike has been gone for 4 years now, but the distance only makes us appreciate the closeness of our families even more when we're in the same country again. can't wait for them to get back.
some pple you just can't seem to get along with, not that you hate that person or anything... you just don't have anything to say to that person. its like "hi... so how've you been?" "busy with school... and you?" "same.. haha" stalemate. "so what school are you in now?... oh really? i have some friends there too." stalemate. "and your cca?... wow... i can see why you're so busy." stalemate. its just so superficial... like you're talking to that person so that there isn't a chance for the inevitable uncomfortable silence to come. and then you wonder what went wrong between the both of you and then you feel sad that you've let this friendship just slip away, although you know you're very much responsible for the way things are just as much as the other party is. as for other pple, you just can't get them out of your head. you wonder where they are, what they're doing, if they think abt you as often as you think of them. i sound like some lovesick fool. haha. i'm just a normal teenager wondering aloud about love and life, that's all.
hmm... i feel like changing the layout of my blog... but that implies that i've got alot of time on my hands. which i should not have if i know what's best for me. so its off to bed now and plenty of rest before this week's marathon begins. if only these basket mosquitoes will leave me alone......

i seriously need to get my freakin bum glued to my freakin chair and rid my freakin desk of freakin storybooks that i'm perpetually itching to freakin read if i'm going to ever do any freakin serious, intensive studying!!! bleah. 2 weeks of the holidays are almost gone and all i've completed is organic chem and 2/3 of the maths s qns. the problem is, whenever i'm not studying, i feel like studying something, but when i actually sit down to study, i want to do something else besides studying. haha. sigh.

was back in sn yesterday to visit my coach and watch my juniors train. was rather impressed by their standard. can't wait to watch the nationals this year. am really glad that the years of complaining and suffering of the (ahem) pioneering batch of sn rhythmic gymnasts have not fallen upon deaf ears. the measley 3 mats that we used to have to make do with has now increased to 5. that's alot of knees and ankles spared from being injured. and even though we still don't have any comfortable mats to stretch on, the girls made use of plastic chairs and cushions, which, frankly speaking, seems to me alot more useful than the artistic gym blocks cos the chairs are higher. heheh. darn proud of them. darn proud to be an sn gymnast. anyway, i left the gym yesterday feeling overwhelmed cos i realised how much i've learnt from my 4 years in gym. indeed, those 4 years were extremely fulfilling, albeit painful and trying. but at the end of the day, i really miss gym and i really regret not being able to continue with gym in jc. anyhow, here are somethings i've learnt from gym.

1) when you're in a team, nobody's right or wrong. everybody is equally important and equally responsible for each other's performance and welfare.
2) the coach is always right, even when you think you have been wronged. cos there is a reason why she's the coach and you're not.
3) competitions creates enemies out of pple. competitions bring out the worst in each individual. but competition also brings the best out of each person and the the standard and appreciation of the sport, in the school and in the country, to a higher level.
4) knowing your opponent's weakness is important so you do not make the same fault. but knowing your opponent's strength is even more important cos you must accept that there is someone better than you and you need to work very hard in order to better than the best.
5) you know you know the battle's half won when your opponent tells the coach that they want to start training even earlier on the day of the competition after watching your training the day before. you know you're good when you can share your love for the sport by performing your routine for the enjoyment of others. you know you've succeeded when you know you've put in your 101% worth of effort to reach the standard you are today even if it doesn't entail winning the title. but most importantly, you know you've made your mark when even though you aren't competing, your mere presence makes a difference to those who are.

sngym. reaching for the stars. graceful yet mighty. that's st nicks. :)

blasted! my com ate up 2 of my really passionate (to be)entries. it just keeps spacing out on me. suddenly all windows disappear as does the desk top icons and the toolbar and all i'm left with is some fluffy white clouds as my wallpaper. (yes. i feel like i'm stuck in the mesazoic era when windows 98 still roamed the earth). its like a race against time to finish typing my entries before the com decides to call it quits. well, maybe not being able to publish what i wrote is a good thing cos i tend to get carried away sometimes and then regret having thrown that little part of me out into the great unknown where pple whom i don't know start mercilessly picking it apart.

anyway, its 2 days into the holidays. and to tell you the truth, i don't know whether i prefer holidays or school term more. during the school term, i wake up in the morning and wish it was the holidays so i can sleep in some more, and i while the day away in school waiting forever for the last bell to ring. and then after that, i realise i don't feel like going home at all, but i don't feel like staying in school either. i'm one mixed-up kid, aren't i. you think? sigh... then comes the much awaited school holidays and you think you can finally get a rest. sure! that's what everyone thinks so you get piled with other stuff. and pple order you to do stuff that i would have done joyfully on my own accord but now that it has been metted out as some sort of punishment, i just don't want to do it anymore. its spite, i know full well. but they never did bother to consult my opinion. i never had any choice. so too bad! i'm entitled to that bit of resentment at the very least. damn it. i dunno what's wrong with me. bleddy pissed with loads of other stuff too but i think i've reached my "bitchiness" quota for today. please don't test my limit cos i really don't want to hurt anybody.

was at the hc choir concert, jubilation! voices in flight, this evening. it was simply spectacular. the dancers were bee-e-a-eutiful too! especially liked their selection of songs. although i couldn't understand half of the things they are singing, their powerful voices were sufficient to render me utterly mesmerised. it brought back alot of memories of my childhood too, with their rendition of a nursery rhyme, sing a song of six pence, a folk song which my parents used to sing to me when i was little, burong kakat tua and windy nights, one of my favourite bedtime poems way back then. really glad khai qing had that extra ticket to sell. thoroughly enjoyed myself. :)

windy nights
by robert louis stevenson

whenever the moon and stars are set
whenever the wind is high
all night long in the dark and wet
a man goes riding by
late in the night when the fires are out
why does he gallop and gallop about?

whenever the trees are crying aloud
and ships are tossed at sea
by on the highway low and loud
by on the gallop goes he
by on the gallop he goes and then
by he comes back on the gallop again.

Another lovely song from the teenage textbook movie soundtrack.

When things seem so wrong
by John Klass

when you're in doubt
trying to keep all things out
the tears you hide
you only cry inside

things happen for a reason
it isn't easy to accept
you think all hope is gone
but it really hasn't left

when things seem so wrong
(things seem so wrong)
you've got to hang on
(just hang on)
just pick up the pieces
look right ahead
don't give up cos its there
(maybe you'll find)
things aren't so wrong

troubles will come and go
but the memories will last
if you stay right on hurting
time will still fly

when things seem so wrong
(things seem so wrong)
you've got to hang on
(just hang on)
just pick up the pieces
look right ahead
don't give up cos its there
(maybe you'll find)
things aren't so wrong

absolutely love the soundtrack from the teenage textbook. its pretty old but definitely evergreen. the book's really funny too. crappy and sappy but really funny. mebbe i'm biased towards the movie cos it was filmed in st nicks. anyhow, here's lyrics to one of the songs in the soundtrack... whatever i can make out from the cd, that is...

no more tears
by beverly

isn't it amazing
how seventeen can be
isn't it so exciting
just like romance's novel scene

colourful pictures on the wall
always waiting for the telephone call
a cry in the dark
a broken heart
a first-time kiss
i've seen it all

i'm finally leaving
nothing left to fear
its so worth believing
i see it all so clear
its more than a disc or books
it goes on and on and on and on, oh yeah
this time i'm finally giving
no more tears

isn't just a wonder
how life sometimes turns out
wouldn't it be so perfect
if all things came without doubt

colourful pictures on the wall
always waiting for the telephone call
a cry in the dark
a broken heart
a first-time kiss
i've seen it all

i'm finally leaving
nothing left to fear
its so worth believing
i see it all so clear
this time i'm giving
everything i've got
wanna believe in myself
its more than a disc or books
it goes on and on and on and on, oh yeah
this time i'm finally giving
no more tears

no more tears
no more tears
gonna give all that i've got
gonna live each day as it comes
wanna be what i want
no more tears

ok. i know i haven't been here in a loong time cos the blogger interface has changed considerably. its an improvement i guess. someone once said that the production of anything new has to be a better and improved version of the previous. it has to be given the competitive market. the person who said this was referring to a handphone, by the way.

anyway, today was the last lesson of the disciple 1 bible study programme. rather sad that one whole year of sunday afternoons have gone by so quickly. the whole idea of flipping thru the blue manual every night, cramming into winston's bedroom or in my living room, sipping yeo's crysanthemum and even the song from the video, the old lady with the huge plastic glasses, the guy in the soup kitchen, not forgetting zan holmes... the whole works kinda grows on you after a while. i'm really gonna miss it. that dun mean that i'm gonna take on disciple 2 anytime soon. no-sir-ree... anyhow, i'd hafta wait a whole year before i can join disciple 2. abner, ben, nick, damein and joel thanks loads for an amazing 34 week journey. we made it! haha. yep yep. and kudus to winston and serene (aka bostress aaka miss teh) for being the most patient and understanding facilitators. truth be told, it was quite fun being the only girl in the group, apart from those weeks serene was there too. haha. yeh. deborah rocks! lol. and the one most important lesson i learnt from this whole thing? God is good. seriously. He's shown us, shown me, so much thru this. way too much to be on this public block, and besides, its not something that can be accurately described cos you'll hafta feel it yourself to be able to understand and acknowledge its worth. so all you pple out there who are considering taking up this course, sure, its a sacrifice of 2 hours each week plus bout half an hour ++ each nite of diligent qt, but with God, all things are possible.

Lord, put me on whatever task You will; rank me with whom You will.
Put me to doing; put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for You, or laid aside for You, exalted for You, or trodden under foot for You.
Let me be full; let me be empty.
Let me have all things; let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily resign all to Your pleasure and disposal.
~John Wesley

i did it again. i don't know how, but i did it again. i wish i had some form of control over things but i know i don't. what i do know for sure is that all things work for the good of His kingdom. and i know too, that i am never, and never will be, alone.

when i get excited over something that is to come, i start imagining and dreaming and scenes just start playing in my mind and i get such a wonderful picture of what i envision would happen. but then, when the highly anticipated moment finally arrives, i find myself suddenly at a loss and no amount of preparation and mental rehearsals seems sufficient. that feeling totally sux. i feel so helpless sometimes.

"... i barely know you and i understood not a word you said to me. but i am flattered. embarrassed but flattered and honoured nonetheless. and despite it all, since i am compelled to give you an answer before the night is through, to do justice to your sincerity and spontaneity, my answer is yes... thank you for so much more than an unforgettable experience. God bless you.

and i answer, "in my middle."

what is your question?"

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fears and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile

if only it was that easy. not trying to be cynical or anything, but its gonna take more than a smile for all the clouds to clear. sometimes i feel like a tree in a city of dogs. sigh. anyhow, its a really nice song from my girl 2. and yeh, we all need to smile a little sometimes, no matter how bad life stinks, cos there ain't no use feeling miserable about yourself and there ain't no point wallowing in self-pity either. so you either cry alone or smile for the world. saves alot of hassle that way.

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Which [Seven Dwarfs] are you?


Which [Rainbow Colours] are you?

ntu-jc challenge was concluded today. we actually won 2 prizes! best poster and most innovative in the defence science category. amazing. not particularly ecstatic right now. probably still stunned from the unexpected win. anyway, well done guys! kinda feel sad yet relieved that its over. nevertheless, thanks for a really exciting and enriching experience!

anyway, happy valentine's day!

do i love you because you're beautiful
or are you beautiful because i love you?
do i want you because you're wonderful
or are you wonderful because i want you?
~Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Anywhere the wind blows
Doesn't really matter to me

-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

not only is life a bitch, it has puppies!! zhiqi, how right you are.

couldn't go with my family to pulau penang this weekend cos i had to perform for some alumni cny celebrations in school. the performance, was, well, far from good. hope none of the audience will remember it in time to come.

sad enough that i couldn't join my family and my other relatives having fun spending the weekend staying in kei-longs, i got locked out of my house! yes! i got stuck outside my house looking like some burglar scouting for loopholes to get into the house. thought of climbing to the second level to get into my study room but didn't want to arouse the suspicions of my not-so-friendly neighbour, or risk falling onto the spikes they'd erected on the wall separating our backyard. darn set of keys i'd been given was incomplete for both front AND back doors! how coincidental is that that both keys to the metal gates were there, but both wooden door keys were missing. bleah. in the end, had to skip disciple cos i couldn't get my stuff out of my room. had to go all the way to paya lebar mrt in my make up and hair to get the complete set of keys from my maid who was celebrating hari raya. guess its just one of those days when i wish i hadn't gotten out of bed at all, not that i wanted to in the first place.

a fine cny this is turning out to be.

happy cny everyone!

cny's pretty dull this year. seems like it gets progressively less exciting each year. nevertheless, time spent with my cousins more than makes up for the lack of festivities. was never especially close to any of my cousins cos those with whome i spend most time with are guys and basically we don't have very much in common. but then again, there are 8 of us abt the same age and when you add in the 7 lil monkeys in primary school and below, there's never a quiet moment in the quek family. love my cousins loads!

too bad i didn't get to go back to tangkak to visit the other half of my relatives. its a whole different type of fun. cards, mahjong and alot more talking. and of course there's my baby nieces that i sadly was not able to see. to rub salt to the wound, celebrations in this little town was especially extravagant this year, with the main street lighting up like chinatown in all its authenticity, wooden shop houses and even fire crackers and fire works, so i've been told. argh. wish i could have been where all the fun was at.

anyway, SATs are finally over. what a relief. was at smu this morning and decided to pay a visit to the gymnasium. i miss gym sooo much. was watching sherry from rj, sarah, gladys, stacey and the twins train and i just felt like going down to the mats and just jump around a little. also met the twin's parents and learnt that they've gone to rgs. needless to say, my first reaction was one of indignation. but then, something occurred to me and i was overcome with guilt and to a certain extent, shame. not comfortable sharing the details here so i'll just stop here. darn i felt really bad.

my day started really horribly today. thank goodness it got progressively better. couldn't have gotten any worse anyway. still, was quite dampened. good thing i have great classmates and juniors and a really interesting angel and mortal to brighten my day. hehehz.

had a browse through Inspirations 2003 today. gotta say that i'm really impressed, and jealous too that it wasn't an annual thing when i was in SN. really creative and simply beautiful. was especially absorbed in yong hui's expository essay on education. great language and quotations. really impressed. easily puts me to shame. haha. seriously. she's one talented gal. great job!

78 has been displaced from our cosy little corner of hcjc. darn. really liked it there with all the tables and all the space. was like our own little haven away from the noise and the crowd. on the other hand, its a return to civilisation after years of isolation from the rest of the class benches. haha. oh well. the sl and cafe better be worth us giving up our he(2) shan(1). gonna miss the place and 77 and all those memories. sigh.

cny's round the corner. yay. love visiting pple and just spending time with my relatives and friends. too bad this year i won't be joining the fun at tangkak with my maternal relatives. stuck in singapore this year cos i've got SATs on chu(1) san(1). wth. was really looking forward to playing with my beautiful baby nieces. dunno when i'll get to see them again. SATs, be gone!!

one week of school has gone by and though i'm almost adjusted once again to the speed of this conveyor belt, i just can't get rid of this nagging feeling of insecurity that threatens to drag me down into sporadic bouts of depression. not that i'm specifically unhappy about something. at least, i don't think so.

thanks shung for that really meaningful worship session today. perhaps i've lost sight of the shore for a while and have been blindly travelling in the wrong direction those weeks i couldn't make it to church or for disciple. but after today's session, i'm reminded once again of the comsuming, omnipresent love the Big Guy has for me. And even though i stray from the flock ever so often towards material pursuits, He specially goes out to look for this hopelessly lost child and brings me back. And then He celebrates the return of this lost child who shouldn't have succumbed to human temptation in the first place. Amazing love, how can it be, that You my king would die for me? Amazing love, i know its true. And its my joy to honour You. In all i do, i honour You.

Its been an amazing 3 years with Agape. I'm gonna miss the company of all you guys! Eugenia, Huey-Chyi, Say Yong, Timothy, Kong Jin, Jaesson, Terri, Ben, Jenghis, Eugene, Euclid, Nat, James, Jocelyn, Bu Bin, Bu Wei, Aaron, Justin... think that's all of us. Hmm... wonder how those pple who have left us are doing. Sigh. YM's gonna be different with the reshuffling. Yep. Its definitely neccessary, but i'm really gonna miss all the crap we shared. hehz. Love you guys always! AGAPE ROX!! ;P

feels weird being J2. i never did quite fit into the shoes of being in secondary school in the first place and look at me now, a senior in junior college with only a year more before entering uni. its so adult, a word so familiar yet so vague and distant. i remember a time not so long ago, when staying up past 12 was a luxury left only for the eve of a special day. i remember vividly the last night i was 12. the elation of finally owning a disc man, and, at the same time, the nostalgia of my childhood that was ticking away. the reason for my sadness was not just the robbing of the privileges and concessions that comes with being a "child-under-12", but the symbolic loss of innocence, or rather the eligibility for feigning it. then again, i lavish upon the freedom being a teenager entitles, but stumble then and again under the heavy responsibilities and expectations. very soon i'm gonna be out of my comfort zone and the road ahead is a blur of choices. i look forward to the future with bated excitement and nervous anticipation.

my grown-up christmas list
do you remember me?
i sat upon your knee
i wrote to you with childhood fantasies
well i'm all grown-up now
can you still help somehow?
i'm not a child but my heart still believes
so here's my life-long wish
my grown-up christmas list
not for myself but for a world in need

no more lives torn apart
and wars will never start
and time will heal our hearts
every man will have a friend
and right will always win
and love will never end
this is my grown-up christmas list

what is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
maybe only if the blind believe can we ever find the truth

there'd be no more lives torn apart
and wars will never start
and time will heal our heart
every man will have a friend
and right will always win
and love will never end
this is my grown-up christmas list
this is my only life-long wish
this is my grown-up christmas list

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
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